With Birth of Daughter, Jay Z Seeing Vaginas in Whole New Light

Jay Z and Beyonce have followed their biological directives, resulting in the birth of Homo Sapiens number 108,000,347,246. Proud papa Jay Z immediately made a successful bid to become the first sentient Earthling in 50,000 years to conjure up an original thought concerning the most commonplace of mammalian experiences by rapping about the event in a song released simultaneously with the cutting of the umbilical cord. Although the words themselves are such a hackneyed jumble of half-rhymes that even diehard fans of Jay Z are rumored to be mulling the nickname "Snoop Doggerel," Mr. Z did manage to go where no father had gone before by including the phrase, "Shit happens" in a maternity ward ode.

A week later Jay Z presented the world with another unsolicited daddy poem--also a hackneyed jumble of half-rhymes--in which he vowed to cease using the word "bitch" in any future material out of respect for the tiny bundle of joy his biatch Beyonce had just carried around for nine months.

In a related story, critics fear the trite outbursts are evidence that Jay Z intends to make good on his implied threat to produce future material.

Applicant for Burger King Fry Cook Position Asked Where He Sees Himself in Three Weeks

This Day in History: President McKinley Impersonator's Promising Career Tragically Cut Short By Assassin's Bullet

Speaker at Rally Apparently Not Sure What He and Fellow Protesters Want Or When They Want It

At a rally held in front of the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday, an unidentified speaker used a megaphone to loudly and repeatedly demand that the assembled crowd define the purpose of the protest and establish a timetable for success. According to eyewitnesses, the speaker's unaccountable ignorance of his own rally's objective was apparently compounded by a severe auditory condition, as the crowd's consistent and unanimous response to each of the speaker's redundant queries seemingly failed to register. The mutual frustration of the exchange led quickly to what onlookers described as an escalating shouting match between speaker and crowd that went on for several minutes before reaching an ear-splitting crescendo and then ending abruptly.

Local Mosquito-Resembling Crane Fly to Evolutionary Process: Fuck You

All right, who's the wise guy responsible for making us harmless, non-parasitic crane flies look for all the world like giant mosquitoes? Do you have any idea how much our planet's dominant species dislikes mosquitoes? They've painstakingly drained millions of acres of wetlands just to get rid of mosquitoes, so they're obviously highly motivated mosquito-haters. Under the circumstances, it really shouldn't take a genius to anticipate the primal revulsion they feel when they spot an innocent, proboscis-free crane fly and mistake it for a giant version of their least favorite blood-sucking, disease-spreading parasite. Never mind that physiologically a crane fly and a mosquito are nothing like one another--even I have to admit that from a distance and to the untrained eye, a crane fly really does strongly resemble a big-ass mosquito to the point where I have to believe it was deliberate, which is just so dark. But you know what really hurts? Lacking even the ability to flee properly on account of our hopelessly undersized and underpowered wings that provide us with the flying efficiency of Wile E. Coyote holding a feather in each hand as he plummets to earth. In fact, the only upside to being a crane fly is that we were allotted a miserly ten-day lifespan, and thus as soon as we're born, the end of our crappy existence is right around the corner--yay. So, to whatever natural conditions that caused us to evolve with a superficial resemblance to a dreaded parasite in the eyes of the only species with the intellectual capacity to understand the concept of parasitism and the motor skills necessary to chase down and squash anything that looks like a parasite, thanks a lot and fuck you.

Delhi Chief Minister: On the Other Hand, If My Name Really Were Pronounced \'dik\ 'shit\, Would That Be Such a Crime?

Already a player on the world stage as Delhi's popular and proactive Chief Minister, Sheila Dikshit (pronounced "dixit") is said to embrace her new role as the face of cultural sensitivity awareness after a New Zealand talk show host crudely mocked her last name on a recent live television broadcast seen by the highly-rated program's many hundreds of viewers, though she also reportedly admits to being able to think of about a zillion other things she'd rather be famous for than having a name that half the world now has to try really hard not to associate with the disquieting combination of genitalia and feces.

According to sources, the Chief Minister is heartened by the global outpouring of sympathy and support she has received over the past week, but cautions that the problem will not go away until we extend our cultural sensitivity even to people whose name really is pronounced \'dik\ 'shit\, unlike her name, which is pronounced "dixit." She is said to be particularly adamant about this point, insisting repeatedly that while her own name is definitely pronounced "dixit," a good friend of hers with the same last name just so happens to pronounce it \'dik\'shit\, and for her sake she is willing to do battle with cultural insensitivity as if her own name were pronounced \'dik\ 'shit\, which, she hastens to add, it most certainly is not.

Area Teen Drains Non-Renewable Energy From Two Electronic Devices While Delivering Environmentalist Rant

Green lifestyle advocate Christen Philips, 17, launched an impromptu assault on the eco apathy of her family and friends for several hours yesterday with an impassioned salmagundi of Socratic method, child psychology, and ad hominem attacks that ended as suddenly as it began when the batteries of her iPhone and Blackberry finally gave out. No stranger to dubious environmental activism, Philips recently spearheaded a successful campaign to cut down a dozen 200-year-old White Oak trees that had been significantly reducing the efficiency of the county library's roof top solar panels, and is currently spending her afternoons driving her mom's GMC Denali Yukon around town collecting signatures for a petition seeking harsher penalties for local recycling compliance violations.

IRS Refuses to Play More Upbeat Music for Callers on Hold

In response to a wave of protests from delinquent taxpayers, the Internal Revenue Services has issued a statement declaring that they will not change the loop of depressing music that telephone callers to the IRS are subjected to when placed on hold. The statement reads, in pertinent part: "While we concede that the music in question is decidedly melancholy, it is our position that the complaining taxpayers should have thought of that before they reneged on their obligations as citizens of the United States. The Internal Revenue Service also takes the position that even the version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" sung by Jeff Buckley can evoke positive feelings in a taxpayer with a clean financial conscience."

Drug Cartels to Eliminate Sampling Via Jabbing Knives into Bags

A storied tradition of the illicit white-powder-variety drug trade may soon be history, industry sources say. The practice of field-testing product purity by opening the suitcase, pulling a switchblade, and then roughly slicing open one of the plastic-covered bundles of white powder and tasting the end of the knife is now said to be on the wane because of declining sales brought on by the recession. “The classic, macho indifference to the spillage that occurs as a result of the tightly-packed bags of white powder being nonchalantly sliced open and sampled by a lackey with a switchblade is all very well and good in a strong economy,” says a top DEA agent who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But now, with so many mid and lower level dealers struggling to supplement their dwindling income through other, less lucrative illegal means, it just sends the wrong message. These drug kingpins may be stone-cold killers, but when they hear about small-time rival drug gangs resorting to carpooling on drive-by shootings, it just breaks their hearts.”

The agent added that the economic downturn has also led to the demise of at least one other time-honored industry preference: setting up large drug transactions at abandoned, dilapidated factories in the middle of nowhere. “Profits are down and the price of oil is going up, so the thinking is, why send a fleet of gas-guzzling SUVs to a drug buy at an abandoned factory way out in the sticks when our cities are suddenly full of suitably abandoned construction projects for which the funding has dried up?”

Pampered Film Professionals Gather Annually for Ironic Pampering of Pampered Film Professionals

According to sources, a fascinating Hollywood ritual has been taking place each year for the past eight decades at which prominent members of the film community gather to lampoon themselves and their craft by staging an elaborate "roast" cleverly framed as a lavish tribute to the mere fact of their professional existence. The Friar's Club-like organization in charge is called "the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences," a deadpan witticism in itself that captures perfectly the no-holds-barred, satirical spirit of the event.

The symbolic self-flagellation begins outside the venue, where the arriving guests--dressed in borrowed jewelry and gifted high-end designer clothing--must walk a red carpet through a gauntlet of media personnel doing a spot-on impression of a crowd of sybaritic hacks. The two-fold message is clear: For one night, let us remember that we have this world so thoroughly by the balls that Harry Winston and Giorgio Armani won't even let us spend our own millions, and let us also remember to never take ourselves seriously lest we spawn a cottage industry of aggressively sycophantic "entertainment news" journalism against which our only defense would be Alec Baldwin's fists.

Once inside, the hazing continues as each already-rich-as-Croesus invitee must dislodge from their seat a bag containing $80,000 worth of redundant luxury items and then keep it on the floor between their legs for the rest of the evening as a form of penance for their excessive good fortune. Then the lights dim, and for the next four hours, scores of mock "awards" are presented in an amusingly endless list of categories of basic industry functions. The particulars of each award are irrelevant -- the jest lies in the fact that everyone present is already so overloaded with unearned blessings that to throw in awards based on peer recognition would be like saying "As befits your charmed life, even though you were just doing your grossly overpaying job, you nevertheless deserve a special award for having shown up for work pretty much every single business day for several weeks and even months at a time, and for having contributed to the creation of a salable work product by meeting expectations and generally demonstrating the competence necessary to obtain steady employment in your respective film industry sector."

When the last award statuette is finally handed out, the guests disperse and make their way to one of several private post-award soirees where these deeply sensitive and grounded film professionals can relax with their colleagues, reflect on the humbling lessons of the evening, and continue to laugh heartily at themselves over an ironic Baccarat punchbowl of Cristal.

Russell Brand Romantically Linked to Russell Brand

Manhattan Taxi Driver Discovers Mysterious "Turn Signal" Lever on Cab's Steering Column

Fifty-eight year old hackney carriage operator Quentin Armstrong thought he knew every inch of his taxi's interior like the back of his hand, so when he recently dropped his cell phone on the floor and turned the steering over to his left knee while he bent down to retrieve the device, he got the shock of his life when he spotted an unfamiliar lever located on the steering column. "My initial reaction was, okay, time to stop borrowing other people's prescription eyeglasses because I must have dropped my cell phone on the floor like that at least a hundred times before without noticing the lever. When I realized it closely resembled the one on the other side of the steering wheel that operates the windshield wipers, I was suddenly very impressed by the car designer's decision to add redundancy to the window cleaning system."

Armstrong says he impulsively pushed the lever but quickly regretted the decision. "An ominous, green triangle started flashing and ticking like a clock, so I shut it off immediately and made a perpendicular beeline for a group of double-parked taxis to my right. The other cabbies were in the middle of what we call a 'PAM,' short for 'Preternaturally Aromatic Meal,' but they dropped everything and rushed over to see the strange lever for themselves. Then another taxi pulled up and triple-parked next to my vehicle. It was a guy we call Lazarus because he's got almost six months of driving experience--if he didn't know what the lever was for, nobody would. Lazarus glanced at it, nodded sagely, and said 'Turn signal.' We asked him what 'turn signal' meant, but he just shrugged, returned to his cab, and drove off diagonally into the night."

Nothing daunted, Armstrong looked it up on Wikipedia as soon as he was back on the road. "Supposedly, the lever is for 'indicating' whether you want to turn left or right, but that's Wiki for you--somewhere an eleven-year-old is laughing his ass off for posting that drivel because it makes absolutely no sense to have such a lever. I mean, let's face it--we may think we want to turn right, but halfway into the next lane we usually decide to swerve left and then right again, don't we? And what about all those times we aren't really turning right or left so much as abruptly heading north-northeast or north-northwest? Ridiculous! Anyway, we'll figure it out eventually, and in the meantime it gives us cabbies something to think about when we feel the need to just tune out the road in front of us until forty minutes before our shift actually ends and we can activate our "Off Duty" sign, roll down our windows, and start cherry-picking passengers who happen to be headed in the general direction of Canarsie."

Information From Anonymous Sources 100% Reliable, They Say

You can't believe everything you hear, as someone once said, but apparently that unidentified someone was wrong for once, they are now saying, because information of any kind from anonymous sources is said to be completely reliable.

The word is that generic advice on important matters, news of improbable scientific breakthroughs and discoveries, dubious fiats on the subject of maintaining optimum bodily health--essentially any amorphously authoritative declaration whatsoever—can be treated as gospel by the intended recipient, no question about it. Furthermore, they know for a fact that no matter how farfetched such information may seem, and regardless of the reliability of the individual citing the anonymous source, the proffered information is nevertheless dependable--guaranteed.

They say that, as events have shown, we can rest assured the information we’re getting is accurate, and that the supposed importance of identifying sources is just an old wives’ tale. The cognoscenti also insist that it’s only common sense to accept on faith the veracity of unspecified sources, despite what you may have heard to the contrary. The record clearly shows anonymous sources know whereof they speak, they say, and believe me, they ought to know.

Latest Poll Finds Cleveland Indians Most Hated Professional Baseball Team in Cleveland Area

The famously passionate baseball fans of Cleveland aren't very fond of their cross-state rivals, the Cincinnati Reds, but according to a poll conducted last week, what they really hate are the Cleveland Indians. Of the two thousand Cleveland residents surveyed, roughly 100% indicated that the MLB team they most disliked was the Indians, with the Reds and the New York Yankees coming in a distant second and third, respectively. Said local meatpacker Earl Kryzkowski, "As a baseball lover growing up in Cleveland in the 70s, the 'Big Red Machine" was like my worst nightmare, and I have always felt very strongly that the Yankees suck. But for sheer stomach-turning disgust, no team can hold a candle to the Cleveland Indians--God, I hate them!"

Milestones in Baseball Under-Achievement Said to Be Imperiled by Performance-Diminishing Substance Abuse Among Current MLB Players

A group of retired major leaguers has asked Congress to investigate allegations of rampant performance-diminishing drug use in Major League Baseball. The group claims that players who use substances that impair performance such as marijuana, LSD, ecstasy, heroin, crystal meth, crack, hallucinogenic mushrooms, angel dust, mescaline, peyote, and Morning Glory seeds are giving their opponents an unfair advantage--and themselves an unfair disadvantage--by skewing the stats. 90-year-old Archibald "Thumb-Less Joe" McSweeney, who played for the Cardinals, Indians, Senators, and Tigers over a three-week span in June of 1938, says he doesn't mind if someone breaks his record of 57 throwing errors in one month as long as it's done the old fashioned way. "Once upon a time, you got booed and pelted with spoiled produce because of your own naturally lackluster performance on the field,” recalled a wistful McSweeney. “And if you wanted the distinction of being called a worthless bum, you didn't take a pill to get the job done--you had to earn it by reaching deep down inside yourself, day in and day out, for that little bit less than the next guy. These kids today, though, they’re all about short cuts, what with their mediocrity-in-a-bottle and all. Is dulling your senses and slowing your reaction time with intoxicants a euphoric fast track to baseball infamy? Of course it is. But is it worth violating the sanctity of stinking up the joint?”

The group says that recreational substance abuse not only threatens vintage statistical low points like McSweeney’s mark, but also the many failures in the clutch, career nadirs, and notable slumps of the modern era as well. A case in point is that of recent Hall of Fame inductee Jim Rice, who hit into an astonishing 36 DPs in 1984 while stone cold sober. Rice is reportedly outraged that his single-season record--once thought untouchable--is now in jeopardy of being surpassed by several active players that some baseball insiders insist are underperforming because of their drug-impaired motor skills. However, the MLB Players Association has called the allegations "patently absurd," pointing to the many instances of dazzling play from Mickey Mantle when he was clearly still sloshed from the night before, and repeatedly citing the no-hitter famously hurled by Dock Ellis while tripping on acid. Said one MLBPA rep, "If a pitcher can toss a no-no under the influence of LSD—and I mean that ridiculously clean, high-potency stuff that I’m told was available in the early 70s--then surely a ketamine addict can go 0 for 5 at the plate with no more sinister an explanation than that he had an off day.

Drunk Military Historian Won't Shut Up About Rommel

New Archeological Evidence Suggests Irish May Have Developed Corned Beef Independently of Eastern European Jews

Local Man Stands By 1988 Claim He Would Have Fought Mike Tyson For That Kind of Money

Vatican Announces Preference for Flo Rida’s Sexually Explicit Rap Version of "You Spin Me Round" Over G-Rated But Very Gay Original

Local Holocaust Denier Considers Local Revisionist Civil War Historian Total Whackjob

American Medical Association to Shorten Reception Area Wait Times, Extend Time Spent Sitting Half-Naked in Examination Room Waiting for Doctor

A recent poll conducted by the American Medical Association found that by far the most common complaint among patients who participated in the survey is the amount of time they are routinely forced to spend waiting in the reception area lounge on visits to both primary care and specialist physicians. In response to the problem, the AMA announced that as of January 1 of next year, all medical professionals will be required to admit their patients within ten minutes of arrival and check-in, unless the reception area lounge is well stocked with current periodicals and/or back issues of National Geographic that do not have King Tut on the cover, in which case the maximum wait time will be fifteen minutes. In order to accommodate the change, the AMA says there will be no limit on the amount of time physicians can keep a patient waiting in the examination room sitting half-naked on an exam table covered in crinkly paper, though negotiations are under way to permit bored patients to take their own blood pressure and fiddle around with the wall-unit otoscope.

Gay Serial Killer Pulls Up Blood-Stained Living Room Carpet Only to Find The Most Gorgeous Hard-Wood Flooring You Have Ever Seen in Your Life

NYC Department of Sanitation Praises Recycling Efforts of St. Patrick's Day Parade Revelers After Collecting Record Number Of Urine-Filled Poland Spring Water Bottles From Sidewalks

Sanitation workers who cleaned up Manhattan after the 2010 St. Patrick's Day Parade were moved almost to tears when they saw what this year's crowd had left behind: thousands upon thousands of used plastic spring water bottles that had been carefully recycled as emergency urine containment vessels. "Until about ten years ago, we would find maybe a few hundred of them after a parade," said Sean Mulrooney, a 30-year veteran of the Department of Sanitation. "Since then it's almost doubled every year as people started becoming more and more environmentally conscious, so we knew it was coming. But let me tell you, to be out there on a truck when the first rays of sunlight suddenly pick up the golden glint of seventeen thousand plus used plastic water bottles that could easily have been thrown away but were instead thoughtfully recycled as emergency urine containment vessels, it's...it's just awe-inspiring. One minute you're thinking, 'Here we go, another miserable day of obstructing crosstown traffic out of spite by angling the truck at each stop to prevent vehicles from passing,' and the next your faith in humanity is completely restored. And seventeen thousand bottles means it's not just local Irishmen who care about our planet, but Italian guys from Staten Island and New Jersey as well. If that isn't a sign that humanity is headed in the right direction, I don't know what is."

The Department credits the youth element of the crowd for the environmentally-conscious behavior. They say the youthful propensity for heavier drinking earlier in the day on March 17 means heavier water consumption later on, which in turn means more urine and a sufficient number of empty water bottles to accommodate it. Combine these factors with the innate sense of commitment to the environment that characterizes today's youth culture, and the result is what the Department called a "perfect storm of green urine containment."

Freegan Group Beginning to Wonder Why Newest Member Never Out Foraging When They Call

Ubiquitous iPod Now Making It Damn Near Impossible to Attract Girls Via Cruising with Windows Down, System Up, Experts Say

2010 Mets: We're a Team to Beat in NL East

Merely a week into spring training, the new-look Mets have already served notice on their NL East rivals that they are one of the five teams to beat in their division this season. "There's a lot of confidence on this ball club right now, no question about it," explained Mets third baseman David Wright. "With the personnel we have, we absolutely believe that the road to the NL East crown runs right through Citi Field, Citizens Bank Park, Turner Field, Nationals Park, and Dolphin Stadium." With a healthy Johan Santana anchoring an okay rotation and the mildly exciting acquisition of Jason Bay in the off season, Met's GM Omar Minaya says he expects the 2010 Mets to be "among the top five divisional teams this year," and that anything short of that would have to be considered a major disappointment. "By marginally upgrading our line-up and betting the farm on the surgically-repaired elbow of our only reliable pitcher, we've officially made it a five-team race."

New Study Challenges Earlier Study Claiming Olsen Twins Even Scarier-Looking With Eye Make-Up Than Without

Report Detailing 17,473 Documented Consumer Fatalities from Exploding Steering Wheels, Radioactive Head Rests, Baby-Impaling Antennae in 2007 Corollas Deemed "Inconclusive" by Toyota Officials

Peyton Manning Seals Super Bowl XLIV Victory with 74-Yard Scoring Strike to Tracy Porter

After a shaky performance in the Colts' 29-17 win over the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, Peyton Manning found redemption last Sunday night before a record-setting global audience when he connected with Saints defensive back Tracy Porter for an electrifying 74-yard catch-and-run touchdown late in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIV. Manning's perfect throw capped a drive of minus 74 yards, putting a closely-fought game out of reach and sending the partisan crowd into a frenzy of celebration. After the game, even his opponents had to marvel at the future Hall of Famer's precision arm and uncanny ability to find the end zone. "I feel blessed to be on the same field as Peyton Manning. You really appreciate his accuracy as a passer, because you know he's going to hit you in stride and right on the numbers every time," said a champagne-soaked Porter. "And nobody reads and reacts to a play better than Peyton. He saw Reggie Wayne was covered, so he made the adjustment and hit the open man. After that, all I had to do was run down the field--as far as I'm concerned, Peyton gets the credit for that touchdown. He's the man. I mean, I called my mom as soon as the game ended, and the first thing she said to me was 'Thank God for Peyton Manning!'"

Voyeurs, Exhibitionists Reach Accord

At a closed-door summit meeting held in St. Tropez last weekend, senior voyeurs and their exhibitionist counterparts hammered out a long-overdue cooperative agreement that promises to usher in a new era of mutual satisfaction between the two parties, both of which expressed extreme regret that their common interests were not recognized much, much, sooner. Said one voyeur representative, "Sometimes the answer to a problem is hanging right in front of your face."

Area Luddite Secretly Uses Internet to Research Latest Industrial Sabotage Methods

Editorial: Why Don't Lion Tamers Use Chairs Anymore?

Does everything have to change all the time just for the sake of change? Take lion tamers using chairs, for example. Like so many other important traditions, the lion tamer’s chair has been unceremoniously cashiered, discarded, casually tossed onto the refuse heap of cultural irrelevancy. Or at least, I think it has. I mean, I haven’t actually checked, but come on, you know they're not still using the chairs. I suppose I could Google it, but I’m pretty confident on this one, and if I’m right, it makes me sick.

Recession Forces Denny’s to Open 300 New Restaurants

With the current recession in full swing, most Americans are forsaking all luxury spending, including the Lucullan indulgence of fancy restaurants like "California Pizza Kitchen" and "Olive Garden." Instead, the cash-strapped citizenry is turning in record numbers to more cost-effective forms of high-fat, non-nutritive dining, and that means lines around the block for Denny's, home of the 7,000 calorie omelet. According to a source at Denny's, the sudden demand has forced management to green light the immediate construction of 300 new restaurants. "People are really struggling right now and cannot afford three squares like they used to," he added. "We at Denny's consider it our patriotic duty to pitch in by building enough restaurants so that every man, woman, and child in this country has access to meals that takes several days to digest. Plus, we'll be hiring all those laid-off Circuit City employees. It's a win-win."

Study Finds “Would You Mind Explaining This?” Holds No Fear for Husbands Over 70

A recent study by the Ferber Institute concluded that married men in their early seventies and up show a marked absence of fear when they hear their wives confront them with the query, “Would you mind explaining this?” Says researcher Kenneth Porchnik, “We tested a large group of married men ranging in age from 25 to 85, and while the younger to middle-aged men tended to break out in a sweat and avert their gaze when they heard the question, the seventy-plus crowd generally responded with blank stares.” Said test subject Milt Garroway, 73, “At this stage of the game, if my wife asks me that question, what’s the worst it could be? A coupon I forgot to redeem? A pill I forgot to take? Big whoop.”

Nickelodeon Charged With Mass Statutory Rape Following Blatant Ass-Kissing of Underage Audience At Kid’s Choice Awards

Area Man Relieved To Finally See His Own Genital Deformity Doppelganger On Porn Site

New Health-Conscious Generation of Impoverished Americans Switching From Mayonnaise Sandwiches to Mustard Sandwiches

Homophobic Sports Fan Actually Does Appreciate Irony of Chanting Along to “We Will Rock You” And "We Are The Champions" Sung By Gay Rock Legend

Class Action Suit Against Estate of Irwin Allen Mulled by “Land of the Giants” Viewers

A group of television viewers in their 40s and 50s has formed a committee to determine the viability of a class action lawsuit against the estate of former T.V. and film producer Irwin Allen for alleged emotional distress they and hundreds of thousands of others like them suffered through prolonged childhood exposure to the sci-fi series "Land of the Giants." The committee claims that the series hewed so closely to a deliberately exasperating and unpleasant formula from week to week that watching each episode of the show was "akin to experiencing a recurring nightmare." The committee further alleges that young viewers desperate for sci-fi programming at the time--i.e., every male under the age of 25--had no choice but to tune in to what they kept hoping would be escapist entertainment but what invariably turned out to be a depressing and frustrating object lesson in how to piss off an audience. "I remember loving the show's premise and then being annoyed by every single episode," said a committee member. "But I had no idea just how traumatically awful the show was until I saw it again a couple of years ago on Sci-Fi Channel, and I was like, 'Well, that explains why I'm still single and can't hold down a job.'"

Business Voicemail Menu Options Not Recently Changed, Callers Not Asked to Listen Carefully

Greece, Netherlands, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Egypt Get Together To Discuss Good Old Days

Chances Are, Study Finds

Oxford English Dictionary Belatedly Acknowledges “Douche-Bag” as Descriptive Term

After decades of steadfast refusal to expand the definition of douche-bag beyond the original noun describing a mysterious feminine hygiene product, the OED has at long last bowed to persistent usage, announcing this week that the entry for douche-bag in all subsequent editions will now include the long-disputed secondary meaning of “A person, usually male, worthy of universal contempt; a stupid jerk.”

AARP Editorial:How Many Pedestrians Must Be Run Over By Octogenarians Who Step On The Gas Instead Of The Brake Before Automakers Acknowledge A Defect?

Terrell Owens Signed To One Year, $6.5M Deal by Bills Only Hours Before T.O. Announces Desire for Short-Term, Below-Market Contract with Lousy Team

In a stunning coincidence that occurred only a few hours after being signed by Buffalo to a one-year deal worth a mere $6.5 million, controversial ex-Cowboy Terrell Owens held a press conference to announce his strong desire to secure a short-term, below-market contract with a losing franchise. "I've played for the glamorous, winning teams," said Owens, wearing a red baseball cap that bore the image of a stylized, leaping herbivore, possibly a bison. "I've signed the long-term, big-money contracts--been there, done that. What I want now is a short-term deal for less money with a perennial also-ran, preferably in a low-profile city near the Canadian border where the frequent snow and icy gusts of wind would significantly reduce my productivity."

Organic Cheese-Less Enchilada Still in Freezer One Year After Purchase

Area Man Sick of Finding That Spare Remote With No Batteries In It

Gifted Mimic Can Only Do Local Characters

Duane Reade to Replace Cashiers with Cardboard Cutouts

In an effort to reduce overhead while pledging to maintain the level of service their customers have come to expect, ubiquitous New York area pharmacy giant Duane Reade has decided to replace three quarters of its cashier workforce with cardboard cutouts. "This is not going change the way Duane Reade does business, and we're confident that most of our patrons won't even notice the transition," said a company spokesmen. "For example, under the new system, it will still take exactly twenty minutes to buy a can of shaving cream. And as for the replacement cashiers themselves, we spared no expense to achieve verisimilitude, so if you're looking for a cardboard cutout employee minus the thousand-yard stare and wearing a fake smile, I'm afraid you'll have to go to FedEx Kinko's."