Friday, January 22, 2010
Voyeurs, Exhibitionists Reach Accord
At a closed-door summit meeting held in St. Tropez last weekend, senior voyeurs and their exhibitionist counterparts hammered out a long-overdue cooperative agreement that promises to usher in a new era of mutual satisfaction between the two parties, both of which expressed extreme regret that their common interests were not recognized much, much, sooner. Said one voyeur representative, "Sometimes the answer to a problem is hanging right in front of your face."
Editorial: Why Don't Lion Tamers Use Chairs Anymore?
Does everything have to change all the time just for the sake of change? Take lion tamers using chairs, for example. Like so many other important traditions, the lion tamer’s chair has been unceremoniously cashiered, discarded, casually tossed onto the refuse heap of cultural irrelevancy. Or at least, I think it has. I mean, I haven’t actually checked, but come on, you know they're not still using the chairs. I suppose I could Google it, but I’m pretty confident on this one, and if I’m right, it makes me sick.
Recession Forces Denny’s to Open 300 New Restaurants
With the current recession in full swing, most Americans are forsaking all luxury spending, including the Lucullan indulgence of fancy restaurants like "California Pizza Kitchen" and "Olive Garden." Instead, the cash-strapped citizenry is turning in record numbers to more cost-effective forms of high-fat, non-nutritive dining, and that means lines around the block for Denny's, home of the 7,000 calorie omelet. According to a source at Denny's, the sudden demand has forced management to green light the immediate construction of 300 new restaurants. "People are really struggling right now and cannot afford three squares like they used to," he added. "We at Denny's consider it our patriotic duty to pitch in by building enough restaurants so that every man, woman, and child in this country has access to meals that takes several days to digest. Plus, we'll be hiring all those laid-off Circuit City employees. It's a win-win."
Study Finds “Would You Mind Explaining This?” Holds No Fear for Husbands Over 70
A recent study by the Ferber Institute concluded that married men in their early seventies and up show a marked absence of fear when they hear their wives confront them with the query, “Would you mind explaining this?” Says researcher Kenneth Porchnik, “We tested a large group of married men ranging in age from 25 to 85, and while the younger to middle-aged men tended to break out in a sweat and avert their gaze when they heard the question, the seventy-plus crowd generally responded with blank stares.” Said test subject Milt Garroway, 73, “At this stage of the game, if my wife asks me that question, what’s the worst it could be? A coupon I forgot to redeem? A pill I forgot to take? Big whoop.”
Class Action Suit Against Estate of Irwin Allen Mulled by “Land of the Giants” Viewers
A group of television viewers in their 40s and 50s has formed a committee to determine the viability of a class action lawsuit against the estate of former T.V. and film producer Irwin Allen for alleged emotional distress they and hundreds of thousands of others like them suffered through prolonged childhood exposure to the sci-fi series "Land of the Giants." The committee claims that the series hewed so closely to a deliberately exasperating and unpleasant formula from week to week that watching each episode of the show was "akin to experiencing a recurring nightmare." The committee further alleges that young viewers desperate for sci-fi programming at the time--i.e., every male under the age of 25--had no choice but to tune in to what they kept hoping would be escapist entertainment but what invariably turned out to be a depressing and frustrating object lesson in how to piss off an audience. "I remember loving the show's premise and then being annoyed by every single episode," said a committee member. "But I had no idea just how traumatically awful the show was until I saw it again a couple of years ago on Sci-Fi Channel, and I was like, 'Well, that explains why I'm still single and can't hold down a job.'"
Oxford English Dictionary Belatedly Acknowledges “Douche-Bag” as Descriptive Term
After decades of steadfast refusal to expand the definition of douche-bag beyond the original noun describing a mysterious feminine hygiene product, the OED has at long last bowed to persistent usage, announcing this week that the entry for douche-bag in all subsequent editions will now include the long-disputed secondary meaning of “A person, usually male, worthy of universal contempt; a stupid jerk.”
Terrell Owens Signed To One Year, $6.5M Deal by Bills Only Hours Before T.O. Announces Desire for Short-Term, Below-Market Contract with Lousy Team
In a stunning coincidence that occurred only a few hours after being signed by Buffalo to a one-year deal worth a mere $6.5 million, controversial ex-Cowboy Terrell Owens held a press conference to announce his strong desire to secure a short-term, below-market contract with a losing franchise. "I've played for the glamorous, winning teams," said Owens, wearing a red baseball cap that bore the image of a stylized, leaping herbivore, possibly a bison. "I've signed the long-term, big-money contracts--been there, done that. What I want now is a short-term deal for less money with a perennial also-ran, preferably in a low-profile city near the Canadian border where the frequent snow and icy gusts of wind would significantly reduce my productivity."
Duane Reade to Replace Cashiers with Cardboard Cutouts
In an effort to reduce overhead while pledging to maintain the level of service their customers have come to expect, ubiquitous New York area pharmacy giant Duane Reade has decided to replace three quarters of its cashier workforce with cardboard cutouts. "This is not going change the way Duane Reade does business, and we're confident that most of our patrons won't even notice the transition," said a company spokesmen. "For example, under the new system, it will still take exactly twenty minutes to buy a can of shaving cream. And as for the replacement cashiers themselves, we spared no expense to achieve verisimilitude, so if you're looking for a cardboard cutout employee minus the thousand-yard stare and wearing a fake smile, I'm afraid you'll have to go to FedEx Kinko's."
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