Duane Reade to Replace Cashiers with Cardboard Cutouts

In an effort to reduce overhead while pledging to maintain the level of service their customers have come to expect, ubiquitous New York area pharmacy giant Duane Reade has decided to replace three quarters of its cashier workforce with cardboard cutouts. "This is not going change the way Duane Reade does business, and we're confident that most of our patrons won't even notice the transition," said a company spokesmen. "For example, under the new system, it will still take exactly twenty minutes to buy a can of shaving cream. And as for the replacement cashiers themselves, we spared no expense to achieve verisimilitude, so if you're looking for a cardboard cutout employee minus the thousand-yard stare and wearing a fake smile, I'm afraid you'll have to go to FedEx Kinko's."