Latest Poll Finds Cleveland Indians Most Hated Professional Baseball Team in Cleveland Area

The famously passionate baseball fans of Cleveland aren't very fond of their cross-state rivals, the Cincinnati Reds, but according to a poll conducted last week, what they really hate are the Cleveland Indians. Of the two thousand Cleveland residents surveyed, roughly 100% indicated that the MLB team they most disliked was the Indians, with the Reds and the New York Yankees coming in a distant second and third, respectively. Said local meatpacker Earl Kryzkowski, "As a baseball lover growing up in Cleveland in the 70s, the 'Big Red Machine" was like my worst nightmare, and I have always felt very strongly that the Yankees suck. But for sheer stomach-turning disgust, no team can hold a candle to the Cleveland Indians--God, I hate them!"

Milestones in Baseball Under-Achievement Said to Be Imperiled by Performance-Diminishing Substance Abuse Among Current MLB Players

A group of retired major leaguers has asked Congress to investigate allegations of rampant performance-diminishing drug use in Major League Baseball. The group claims that players who use substances that impair performance such as marijuana, LSD, ecstasy, heroin, crystal meth, crack, hallucinogenic mushrooms, angel dust, mescaline, peyote, and Morning Glory seeds are giving their opponents an unfair advantage--and themselves an unfair disadvantage--by skewing the stats. 90-year-old Archibald "Thumb-Less Joe" McSweeney, who played for the Cardinals, Indians, Senators, and Tigers over a three-week span in June of 1938, says he doesn't mind if someone breaks his record of 57 throwing errors in one month as long as it's done the old fashioned way. "Once upon a time, you got booed and pelted with spoiled produce because of your own naturally lackluster performance on the field,” recalled a wistful McSweeney. “And if you wanted the distinction of being called a worthless bum, you didn't take a pill to get the job done--you had to earn it by reaching deep down inside yourself, day in and day out, for that little bit less than the next guy. These kids today, though, they’re all about short cuts, what with their mediocrity-in-a-bottle and all. Is dulling your senses and slowing your reaction time with intoxicants a euphoric fast track to baseball infamy? Of course it is. But is it worth violating the sanctity of stinking up the joint?”

The group says that recreational substance abuse not only threatens vintage statistical low points like McSweeney’s mark, but also the many failures in the clutch, career nadirs, and notable slumps of the modern era as well. A case in point is that of recent Hall of Fame inductee Jim Rice, who hit into an astonishing 36 DPs in 1984 while stone cold sober. Rice is reportedly outraged that his single-season record--once thought untouchable--is now in jeopardy of being surpassed by several active players that some baseball insiders insist are underperforming because of their drug-impaired motor skills. However, the MLB Players Association has called the allegations "patently absurd," pointing to the many instances of dazzling play from Mickey Mantle when he was clearly still sloshed from the night before, and repeatedly citing the no-hitter famously hurled by Dock Ellis while tripping on acid. Said one MLBPA rep, "If a pitcher can toss a no-no under the influence of LSD—and I mean that ridiculously clean, high-potency stuff that I’m told was available in the early 70s--then surely a ketamine addict can go 0 for 5 at the plate with no more sinister an explanation than that he had an off day.

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American Medical Association to Shorten Reception Area Wait Times, Extend Time Spent Sitting Half-Naked in Examination Room Waiting for Doctor

A recent poll conducted by the American Medical Association found that by far the most common complaint among patients who participated in the survey is the amount of time they are routinely forced to spend waiting in the reception area lounge on visits to both primary care and specialist physicians. In response to the problem, the AMA announced that as of January 1 of next year, all medical professionals will be required to admit their patients within ten minutes of arrival and check-in, unless the reception area lounge is well stocked with current periodicals and/or back issues of National Geographic that do not have King Tut on the cover, in which case the maximum wait time will be fifteen minutes. In order to accommodate the change, the AMA says there will be no limit on the amount of time physicians can keep a patient waiting in the examination room sitting half-naked on an exam table covered in crinkly paper, though negotiations are under way to permit bored patients to take their own blood pressure and fiddle around with the wall-unit otoscope.

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