Gay Serial Killer Pulls Up Blood-Stained Living Room Carpet Only to Find The Most Gorgeous Hard-Wood Flooring You Have Ever Seen in Your Life

NYC Department of Sanitation Praises Recycling Efforts of St. Patrick's Day Parade Revelers After Collecting Record Number Of Urine-Filled Poland Spring Water Bottles From Sidewalks

Sanitation workers who cleaned up Manhattan after the 2010 St. Patrick's Day Parade were moved almost to tears when they saw what this year's crowd had left behind: thousands upon thousands of used plastic spring water bottles that had been carefully recycled as emergency urine containment vessels. "Until about ten years ago, we would find maybe a few hundred of them after a parade," said Sean Mulrooney, a 30-year veteran of the Department of Sanitation. "Since then it's almost doubled every year as people started becoming more and more environmentally conscious, so we knew it was coming. But let me tell you, to be out there on a truck when the first rays of sunlight suddenly pick up the golden glint of seventeen thousand plus used plastic water bottles that could easily have been thrown away but were instead thoughtfully recycled as emergency urine containment vessels, it's...it's just awe-inspiring. One minute you're thinking, 'Here we go, another miserable day of obstructing crosstown traffic out of spite by angling the truck at each stop to prevent vehicles from passing,' and the next your faith in humanity is completely restored. And seventeen thousand bottles means it's not just local Irishmen who care about our planet, but Italian guys from Staten Island and New Jersey as well. If that isn't a sign that humanity is headed in the right direction, I don't know what is."

The Department credits the youth element of the crowd for the environmentally-conscious behavior. They say the youthful propensity for heavier drinking earlier in the day on March 17 means heavier water consumption later on, which in turn means more urine and a sufficient number of empty water bottles to accommodate it. Combine these factors with the innate sense of commitment to the environment that characterizes today's youth culture, and the result is what the Department called a "perfect storm of green urine containment."

Freegan Group Beginning to Wonder Why Newest Member Never Out Foraging When They Call

Ubiquitous iPod Now Making It Damn Near Impossible to Attract Girls Via Cruising with Windows Down, System Up, Experts Say

2010 Mets: We're a Team to Beat in NL East

Merely a week into spring training, the new-look Mets have already served notice on their NL East rivals that they are one of the five teams to beat in their division this season. "There's a lot of confidence on this ball club right now, no question about it," explained Mets third baseman David Wright. "With the personnel we have, we absolutely believe that the road to the NL East crown runs right through Citi Field, Citizens Bank Park, Turner Field, Nationals Park, and Dolphin Stadium." With a healthy Johan Santana anchoring an okay rotation and the mildly exciting acquisition of Jason Bay in the off season, Met's GM Omar Minaya says he expects the 2010 Mets to be "among the top five divisional teams this year," and that anything short of that would have to be considered a major disappointment. "By marginally upgrading our line-up and betting the farm on the surgically-repaired elbow of our only reliable pitcher, we've officially made it a five-team race."

New Study Challenges Earlier Study Claiming Olsen Twins Even Scarier-Looking With Eye Make-Up Than Without

Report Detailing 17,473 Documented Consumer Fatalities from Exploding Steering Wheels, Radioactive Head Rests, Baby-Impaling Antennae in 2007 Corollas Deemed "Inconclusive" by Toyota Officials

Peyton Manning Seals Super Bowl XLIV Victory with 74-Yard Scoring Strike to Tracy Porter

After a shaky performance in the Colts' 29-17 win over the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, Peyton Manning found redemption last Sunday night before a record-setting global audience when he connected with Saints defensive back Tracy Porter for an electrifying 74-yard catch-and-run touchdown late in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIV. Manning's perfect throw capped a drive of minus 74 yards, putting a closely-fought game out of reach and sending the partisan crowd into a frenzy of celebration. After the game, even his opponents had to marvel at the future Hall of Famer's precision arm and uncanny ability to find the end zone. "I feel blessed to be on the same field as Peyton Manning. You really appreciate his accuracy as a passer, because you know he's going to hit you in stride and right on the numbers every time," said a champagne-soaked Porter. "And nobody reads and reacts to a play better than Peyton. He saw Reggie Wayne was covered, so he made the adjustment and hit the open man. After that, all I had to do was run down the field--as far as I'm concerned, Peyton gets the credit for that touchdown. He's the man. I mean, I called my mom as soon as the game ended, and the first thing she said to me was 'Thank God for Peyton Manning!'"

Voyeurs, Exhibitionists Reach Accord

At a closed-door summit meeting held in St. Tropez last weekend, senior voyeurs and their exhibitionist counterparts hammered out a long-overdue cooperative agreement that promises to usher in a new era of mutual satisfaction between the two parties, both of which expressed extreme regret that their common interests were not recognized much, much, sooner. Said one voyeur representative, "Sometimes the answer to a problem is hanging right in front of your face."

Area Luddite Secretly Uses Internet to Research Latest Industrial Sabotage Methods

Editorial: Why Don't Lion Tamers Use Chairs Anymore?

Does everything have to change all the time just for the sake of change? Take lion tamers using chairs, for example. Like so many other important traditions, the lion tamer’s chair has been unceremoniously cashiered, discarded, casually tossed onto the refuse heap of cultural irrelevancy. Or at least, I think it has. I mean, I haven’t actually checked, but come on, you know they're not still using the chairs. I suppose I could Google it, but I’m pretty confident on this one, and if I’m right, it makes me sick.

Recession Forces Denny’s to Open 300 New Restaurants

With the current recession in full swing, most Americans are forsaking all luxury spending, including the Lucullan indulgence of fancy restaurants like "California Pizza Kitchen" and "Olive Garden." Instead, the cash-strapped citizenry is turning in record numbers to more cost-effective forms of high-fat, non-nutritive dining, and that means lines around the block for Denny's, home of the 7,000 calorie omelet. According to a source at Denny's, the sudden demand has forced management to green light the immediate construction of 300 new restaurants. "People are really struggling right now and cannot afford three squares like they used to," he added. "We at Denny's consider it our patriotic duty to pitch in by building enough restaurants so that every man, woman, and child in this country has access to meals that takes several days to digest. Plus, we'll be hiring all those laid-off Circuit City employees. It's a win-win."

Study Finds “Would You Mind Explaining This?” Holds No Fear for Husbands Over 70

A recent study by the Ferber Institute concluded that married men in their early seventies and up show a marked absence of fear when they hear their wives confront them with the query, “Would you mind explaining this?” Says researcher Kenneth Porchnik, “We tested a large group of married men ranging in age from 25 to 85, and while the younger to middle-aged men tended to break out in a sweat and avert their gaze when they heard the question, the seventy-plus crowd generally responded with blank stares.” Said test subject Milt Garroway, 73, “At this stage of the game, if my wife asks me that question, what’s the worst it could be? A coupon I forgot to redeem? A pill I forgot to take? Big whoop.”

Nickelodeon Charged With Mass Statutory Rape Following Blatant Ass-Kissing of Underage Audience At Kid’s Choice Awards

Area Man Relieved To Finally See His Own Genital Deformity Doppelganger On Porn Site

New Health-Conscious Generation of Impoverished Americans Switching From Mayonnaise Sandwiches to Mustard Sandwiches

Homophobic Sports Fan Actually Does Appreciate Irony of Chanting Along to “We Will Rock You” And "We Are The Champions" Sung By Gay Rock Legend

Class Action Suit Against Estate of Irwin Allen Mulled by “Land of the Giants” Viewers

A group of television viewers in their 40s and 50s has formed a committee to determine the viability of a class action lawsuit against the estate of former T.V. and film producer Irwin Allen for alleged emotional distress they and hundreds of thousands of others like them suffered through prolonged childhood exposure to the sci-fi series "Land of the Giants." The committee claims that the series hewed so closely to a deliberately exasperating and unpleasant formula from week to week that watching each episode of the show was "akin to experiencing a recurring nightmare." The committee further alleges that young viewers desperate for sci-fi programming at the time--i.e., every male under the age of 25--had no choice but to tune in to what they kept hoping would be escapist entertainment but what invariably turned out to be a depressing and frustrating object lesson in how to piss off an audience. "I remember loving the show's premise and then being annoyed by every single episode," said a committee member. "But I had no idea just how traumatically awful the show was until I saw it again a couple of years ago on Sci-Fi Channel, and I was like, 'Well, that explains why I'm still single and can't hold down a job.'"

Business Voicemail Menu Options Not Recently Changed, Callers Not Asked to Listen Carefully

Greece, Netherlands, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Egypt Get Together To Discuss Good Old Days

Chances Are, Study Finds

Oxford English Dictionary Belatedly Acknowledges “Douche-Bag” as Descriptive Term

After decades of steadfast refusal to expand the definition of douche-bag beyond the original noun describing a mysterious feminine hygiene product, the OED has at long last bowed to persistent usage, announcing this week that the entry for douche-bag in all subsequent editions will now include the long-disputed secondary meaning of “A person, usually male, worthy of universal contempt; a stupid jerk.”

AARP Editorial:How Many Pedestrians Must Be Run Over By Octogenarians Who Step On The Gas Instead Of The Brake Before Automakers Acknowledge A Defect?

Terrell Owens Signed To One Year, $6.5M Deal by Bills Only Hours Before T.O. Announces Desire for Short-Term, Below-Market Contract with Lousy Team

In a stunning coincidence that occurred only a few hours after being signed by Buffalo to a one-year deal worth a mere $6.5 million, controversial ex-Cowboy Terrell Owens held a press conference to announce his strong desire to secure a short-term, below-market contract with a losing franchise. "I've played for the glamorous, winning teams," said Owens, wearing a red baseball cap that bore the image of a stylized, leaping herbivore, possibly a bison. "I've signed the long-term, big-money contracts--been there, done that. What I want now is a short-term deal for less money with a perennial also-ran, preferably in a low-profile city near the Canadian border where the frequent snow and icy gusts of wind would significantly reduce my productivity."

Organic Cheese-Less Enchilada Still in Freezer One Year After Purchase

Area Man Sick of Finding That Spare Remote With No Batteries In It

Gifted Mimic Can Only Do Local Characters

Duane Reade to Replace Cashiers with Cardboard Cutouts

In an effort to reduce overhead while pledging to maintain the level of service their customers have come to expect, ubiquitous New York area pharmacy giant Duane Reade has decided to replace three quarters of its cashier workforce with cardboard cutouts. "This is not going change the way Duane Reade does business, and we're confident that most of our patrons won't even notice the transition," said a company spokesmen. "For example, under the new system, it will still take exactly twenty minutes to buy a can of shaving cream. And as for the replacement cashiers themselves, we spared no expense to achieve verisimilitude, so if you're looking for a cardboard cutout employee minus the thousand-yard stare and wearing a fake smile, I'm afraid you'll have to go to FedEx Kinko's."