This Day in History: President McKinley Impersonator's Promising Career Tragically Cut Short By Assassin's Bullet

Speaker at Rally Apparently Not Sure What He and Fellow Protesters Want Or When They Want It

At a rally held in front of the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday, an unidentified speaker used a megaphone to loudly and repeatedly demand that the assembled crowd define the purpose of the protest and establish a timetable for success. According to eyewitnesses, the speaker's unaccountable ignorance of his own rally's objective was apparently compounded by a severe auditory condition, as the crowd's consistent and unanimous response to each of the speaker's redundant queries seemingly failed to register. The mutual frustration of the exchange led quickly to what onlookers described as an escalating shouting match between speaker and crowd that went on for several minutes before reaching an ear-splitting crescendo and then ending abruptly.

Local Mosquito-Resembling Crane Fly to Evolutionary Process: Fuck You

All right, who's the wise guy responsible for making us harmless, non-parasitic crane flies look for all the world like giant mosquitoes? Do you have any idea how much our planet's dominant species dislikes mosquitoes? They've painstakingly drained millions of acres of wetlands just to get rid of mosquitoes, so they're obviously highly motivated mosquito-haters. Under the circumstances, it really shouldn't take a genius to anticipate the primal revulsion they feel when they spot an innocent, proboscis-free crane fly and mistake it for a giant version of their least favorite blood-sucking, disease-spreading parasite. Never mind that physiologically a crane fly and a mosquito are nothing like one another--even I have to admit that from a distance and to the untrained eye, a crane fly really does strongly resemble a big-ass mosquito to the point where I have to believe it was deliberate, which is just so dark. But you know what really hurts? Lacking even the ability to flee properly on account of our hopelessly undersized and underpowered wings that provide us with the flying efficiency of Wile E. Coyote holding a feather in each hand as he plummets to earth. In fact, the only upside to being a crane fly is that we were allotted a miserly ten-day lifespan, and thus as soon as we're born, the end of our crappy existence is right around the corner--yay. So, to whatever natural conditions that caused us to evolve with a superficial resemblance to a dreaded parasite in the eyes of the only species with the intellectual capacity to understand the concept of parasitism and the motor skills necessary to chase down and squash anything that looks like a parasite, thanks a lot and fuck you.